Eliwood,Hector,and acouple of ducks
by zaparap
Summary: A crazy, insane,strange version of the fire emblem story. Chapter 4 up!
1. Necessary me thinks no?

Helloooo! This is my first fan fiction. It is set about thirteen levels into Fire Emblem, and is my insane version of the story. Please review!  
  
Disclaimer:I do not own fire emblem.BUT I WILL SOON! MUAHAHUAHUAHUA!!! Erm.sorry. Please review!  
  
Chapter 1:Necessary,me thinks, no?  
  
It was about noon as Eliwood's small band of rag-tag soldiers stopped to set up camp on the lake across from Castle Caelin. The soldiers where working, Eliwood hanging upside down from a tree, Nils whining, and the tactitian was of course, being weird.  
"The Tactitian thinks we should hunt for provisioooonnnns,Yeeeeeessssss?" said the tactitian twiddling his thumbs and staring off into space.  
  
"We have enough food for eight weeks," said Eliwood said looking up(or down) from his book.  
  
"Yeeeeesss but the Tactitian is hungry agaaaaaaiiiiinnnn!"  
"But you just ate!"  
Eliwood looked over to see Sain, the overly perverted cavalier, flirting with Rebecca, the overly cheery archer, and Serra, the hot tempered, and sometimes annoying, cleric.  
  
"Sain! Stop harrasing Rebecca and Serra!" Eliwood said as he dropped down from the tree.  
  
Just then a loud "WHAM" was heard and Sain flew across the camp into Kent's tent.  
"Nice shot!" commented Rebecca as Serra "sheathed" her staff.  
"Erm. what are you doing here?" Kent asked as he pushed Sain off of him.  
"Nothing!" said Sain as he slowly walked away.  
Just then, Nils came by wearing an eat at Joes sign on his head, yelling "I WANT SOCKS!"  
  
Marcus,aka the crusty old war general came up and started yabbering "I remember when I was a wee lad in the army and we were overrun by evil mongeese. or is it mongooses? Anyway blah blah blah blah."  
"Grrrrr.." Eliwood thought.  
Suddenly an "EEEEEKKKK!" was heard. Hector came out of his tent and started "Hey what is going on- AAAAAAAHHHHH!"  
A Pegasus Knight landed right on Hector with a SNAAAPPP CRUNNCH! "My leeeeggg!" Hector yelled as the Pegasus Knight got up.  
"Oh I am sorry! My name is Florina and I was sent by Lady Lyndis to request assistance!" exclaimed the Pegasus Knight as her Pegasus landed next to her.  
"Yeah, seeh. We need help, seeh." Said the Pegasus in a gangster like voice.  
  
Slap! "Be quiet Mugsy!" went Florina.  
  
"Ow seeh." Said the Pegasus smoking a cigar.  
"Well if it is help Lady Lyndis wants, it is help she will get!" replied Eliwood in a Heroic voice.  
"You're delusional." Hector said sarcasticly.  
  
Well, what do you think? Please review and ask if you want me to write more. 


	2. One duck two duck red duck blue duck

Helooooo, It is mua again with chapter 2.Please review!  
  
Disclaimer: no own fire emblem  
Chapter 2 One duck two duck red duck blue duck.  
  
Eliwood was blabaring about how he would save Lyn, but of course everyone else was just waiting for "The Tactitian's" orders.  
  
Finally, the tactittian said "The tactitian thinks we should help Lyn and destroy the evil horde of demented possesed lawn gnomes assaulting Castle Caelin."  
"To battle!" yelled Guy as he unsheathed his sword to find a duck. "What the.." Guy started  
  
Everyone else drew out their weapons to find a duck "What?" all the warriors exclaimed.  
"Weapons no good. you must use magical ducks to defeat the evil lawn gnomes the tactitian thinks. Charge!  
  
Everyone charged into battle to be met by five hundred evil lawn gnomes that wielded lances and axes. "Rahhhh!" yelled Hector as he swung his "duck axe". "Quack sqeaky" went the duck.  
  
"AARRGH!!" yelled the lawn gnome who exploded into a billion pieces of lawn-gnomey evilness.  
"Okay." said Eliwood supremely perplexed.  
The battle was soon over as all one had to do was thwack a duck over the head of the lawn gnome and it would self destruct.  
Afterwards, Lyn thanked the tactitian and the group for their help. "Did I mention that I did all the work?" Eliwood said to Lyn , flirting at the same time  
  
"Right. now if you excuse me I must speak with the tactitian." Lyn replied sarcasticly.  
"How could she like that..thing more than me?" Eliwood asked Hector angrily.  
  
"You know. I have know idea at all." Hector replied.  
  
Later that night, while the group was around the camp fire, the tactitian was telling strange stories of his experiences with war. "And then. the duck took and axe and with a whack whack here and a whack whack here, the duck fnished the battle against Farmer Brown forever! Did I mention I commanded the duck army in that particular war?"  
  
"Yes you did." Florina and Guy responded at the same time.  
  
"No he didn't." Lyn said staring at the tactitian with a glazed look in her eyes.  
  
"Oh, brother" Kent said rolling his eyes.  
  
"You called?" Sain said appearing out of know where.  
"You realize we have no relation and where did you come from anyways?" Kent replied.  
"Blame my parents," Sain said before he disappeared.  
Suddenly, a earsplitting screech was heard and Nils flew through the air, and landed in a pot of boiling soup.  
  
"ERK! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HURTING NILS!"  
DUM DUM DUM!Well, erm. that is chapter two. Please review.  
  
Sain: I LOVE YOU ^^! You realize I do not exist in the same dimesnsion as you.  
Nils: I WANT MORE SOOOOOOCKSSSSSS!!! 


	3. Ze Art of Ze Duck

Yo, it is me. Zaparap. I got chapter three up.  
"I WANT SOCKS!" Heh.. Please review  
  
Chapter 3: Ze Art of ze duck (don't ask)  
It was about six in the morning when a screeching "YABABBLAYJOBAGAWIBY" was heard that rang through the camp, waking everybody up except sain who had Nils on his head, also sleeping.  
  
"What's all of the ruckus?" Eliwood said sleepily as he dropped from the tree he was sleeping in.  
  
"Fire two!" yelled Lyn as she pulled the rope to a catupault, launching it's live contents.  
"The Tactitian yells my duuuuuuccckkksss!" yelled the tactitian crawling fom a hole in the ground where he was sleeping.  
A "TWANG" was heard and Rebecca shot an arrow towards the duck.  
  
"YABABBLAYJOBAGAWIBY" went the duck as it exploded into a million feathers. SPLORCH! The ducks bloody remnants landed on Kent's face as he looked out of his tent.  
"Oh, that's real nice." Kent said pulling duck organs off his face.  
  
"Tactitian asks you why you kill tactitianssss duuuccckkkkssss, Lyn?" asked tactitian with a crazed expression on his face.  
  
"I am trying to draw the black fang forces closer. They are attracted by blood, like sharks, but uglier." Lyn responded, smiling at tactitian.  
  
"Oh. must you do this so early in the morning tactitian asks you? Must I bring out the duck of discipline on you?" tactitian responded.  
"Sure! We can launch it too!" Lyn replied still smiling.  
"WAAHHH!" Eliwood whined. "THE GIRLS LIKE TACTITIAN MORE THAN ME!"  
  
"Amazingly, yes." Hector responded.  
"What's all the ruckus?" Sain sleepily complained. "I was just having a wonderful dream where Florina and I."  
"Sain, shut it."  
  
Suddenly, a loud yelling noise was heard and black fang troops charged over the hill, armed with their axes, an their traditional garb of dead cow skins, still with the bones inside.  
"To your battle stations!" yelled Eliwood as he ran to the tactitian.  
"Lyyynnn, Errkkk, annnd Serrrra come wiiith thee tactitian," said the tactitian, grabbing one of his remaining ducks. "Tactitian says everyone else should remain at the river, to stop blaaack faannnggg'sss advaaannncccee."  
  
"ATTACK!" yelled the knight which leaded the black fang troops.  
"Erk, caaasssttt flbabblavsgobo says tactitiaaaannnn!"  
"What?" asked Erk.  
"That weird ice spell!" Lyn yelled.  
"Oh!"  
Just when Erk casted the spell tactitian threw his remaining ducks through the air, freezing them, and causing them to become giant ice ducks, squishing the black fang troops.  
Just then, Nergal appeared and said "Hah! Luckily, I know Eliwood's weakness!"  
  
"NOOOH!" exclaimed Eliwood.  
"Yes!" yelled Nergal. "Koolaid man!"  
Just then, koolaid man jumped through the wall, and yelled, "OH YEAH!"  
"NOOOH! DOUBLE CHERRY!" yelled Eliwood.  
  
Whoa! Didn't see that one coming. Next time see if Eliwood can defeat koolaid man! DUMDUMDUM! Please review! 


	4. Why the tactitian and water don't mix

HI! IT IS ZAPARAP AGAIN! I finally got some time to write more. Please review!  
Nils: I WANT SOOOCKKKKKSS!! Errrrmmm.. Whatever.  
  
Chapter 4: Why the tactitian and water don't mix  
Negral had just summoned koolaid man! Eliwood's one weakness! DOUBLE CHERRY! DUM DUM DUM!  
"NOOOO!" Eliwood screamed as koolaid man charged forward.  
  
"OH YEAH!" exclaimed Nergal, not realizing the tactitian was sneaking up behind him with a duck. BANG! The tactitian hit Nergal over the head with a duck. "OW!" Negral said swerving around to see who did that "YOU!"  
"Yes, the tactitian says, ME!" said the tactitian spinning his duck through the air.  
"No matter," said Negral reaching into his cloak. "FOR I HAVE. A MALLARD!" GASP! Suddenly, beams of energy extended out of the ducks mouths and corny star wars music started playing as the tactitian and Negral began to fight.  
"Uh. Guys. A little help here?" Eliwood asked as koolaid man charged forward.  
"UEUHEUHEUHUEH!" screamed Nils as he swung through the air, tarzan style, wearing only a loin cloth. " know koolaid man's weakness do I" Nils said dropping down from his vine. " REAL SUGAR!"  
"NO!" Negral exclaimed as Nils threw the sugar into koolaid man.  
"OH NO!" koolaid man yelled as he dissolved and a pile of "blood" was left where he was. During the time that Nergal was distracted, tactitian cut of his hand.  
  
"AARRGH! MY HAND IS GONE! Oh. wait here it is." Nergal said pulling his arm out of his sleave. " HEAR ME TACTITIAN! I WILL DEFEAT YOU SOME DAY! WATCH OUT FOR DUCKS OF RETROSPECTION! MUHAHAHAHAHHAH- OW!" Nergal yelled as he was sucked into a vortex and disappeared.  
"What did he mean by ducks of retrospect, Tactitian?" Lyn asked , smiling, again.  
"Tactitian has no idea. Leeettt uusss eeeaaattt!"  
"YEAH! WOHOO!" all the soldiers exclaimed, except Erk, who instead asked "Can I PLEEEAASSE hurt Nils now?"  
  
"Okay,okay." Eliwood replied rolling his eyes.  
"YAHHHH!" Erk yelled lokking evily at Nils. "EEEK!" Nils exclaimed, running away from an evil erk.  
Well.Um. please review! "I WANT MY SOCKYYYYYY!" 


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